I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
