Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
