End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She needs sedatives and a leash
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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