my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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