I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
