I wanna passion pit in your ass
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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