Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
