this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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