I think im going to throw up on grandma
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
