Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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