Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
