Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
