cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
