He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
In America we eat man semen.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I would ride that face into the sunset
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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