the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
