We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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