Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
