Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
