i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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