Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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