I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
