Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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