I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
