I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
