i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
