Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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