covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I CAN MOONWALK!
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
