My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
