Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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