Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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