Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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