My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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