After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Randomize
