Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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