Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
