Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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