Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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