i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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