I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
