he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
