Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
