I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
