Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize