u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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