So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
