So drunk its hurt
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
