DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
