Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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