You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
