The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
