I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize