Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
