She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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