Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize