had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
