Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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