I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
