At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
