i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
40s are totally the cure
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize