Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
