So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
