I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
