I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
